3 Months

For the past 3 hours, I’ve been completely immersed in textbooks so boring that I want to jump out a window at the thought of having to read even one more sentence!

Needless to say, I’m in desperate need of a break!

So, I thought I’d take my break and update you on what the heck has been going on in this little life of mine since the last time that happened.

I finally (after 22.6 years of talking about it) went back to school–I’m not quite sure what has happened to the Carolina I’ve known forever, but someone has taken her and replaced her with an overly focused and maniacally driven studying BEAST!! No, I mean really. You need to have known how little I used to care (not that I’m proud of that) and how little effort I used to give to school to understand what I mean when I say this. Now, I’m just out of control with it all. I read and re-read my stupid chapters BEFORE the class or lecture, I take notes as I read the chapters, I re-type my lecture notes, and I make flashcards and memorize them. I study every single day and I stress out about not getting A’s. Uhmm….holy heavens to Betsy! But seriously who in the freak am I? It’s possible this is absolutely normal behavior for others, but never in all my years has it been remotely normal for me to be this way.

I am now 100% convinced that everything happens in its own time, exactly when it’s supposed to happen. I wasn’t the person I am now 10 years ago, or even 6 years ago. I used to be painfully, I mean excruciatingly shy and insecure. I used to go to class and pray repeatedly that the professor wouldn’t call on me for anything!  The thought of taking Speech class and actually having to stand in front of a group of people to give a speech made me want to poke my eyes out with hot, dirty sticks…or worse! I was always so annoyingly concerned with what others would think of me ( see, I told ya). It was rather tragic the way I felt about myself. But I’m sure I’ve made you all well aware of that already.

I like to raise a glass to being older and wiser! It is so incredibly comforting to know that I just don’t care what anyone else thinks anymore. I am confident enough in my own skin and my own abilities that I’m no longer hindered by its absence. I have a while to go before I actually finish, but I’m just gonna keep plugging away at it, one class at a time, until I get that piece of paper that says “Yes, you are now welcome to enter in this door that has been locked to you all this time; welcome!”

I’ve become addicted to working out–and don’t mind the fact that I’ve lost 35 pounds in the process. The magic in all of this has unquestionably been in savoring the actual journey. The pounds have come off almost nonchalantly, if that even makes any sense. It’s like me and my body decided that we would do this at our own pace and with our own rules, (we kind of rock that way) sans stress and deadlines.

When I started I knew that what I ultimately wanted was to lose weight, but I also knew that this time it had to be different! Everything about the process would have to change because I had lost significant amounts of weight several times in the past and had re-gained it all, plus more, each and every time. I knew that I wanted to be kinder and gentler. I knew that I didn’t want to obsess over food. I knew that I wanted to feel proud of myself.

So here I am, 35 pounds lighter. But really, I should say I’m 35 pounds stronger. I have developed a love for moving and challenging my body every single day. I have learned to appreciate what my body can do that it couldn’t do before. Never once, in the last 5 months have I ever felt hungry or deprived in any way. I have learned the invaluable beauty in the journey that I was too hurried before to even notice. I stopped obsessing about the results and the number on the scale and in that one act, gained everything!

I’m finally settling into who I’m supposed to be–After graduating high school, I did every single one of those things listed in that picture above. And it could not be more true because now, after making the mistakes, taking the wrong trains, changing my mind not once–but several times, falling in love, and making a few more mistakes, I can say with all certainty that if somebody asks me who I am and what I want to be…I finally just know!

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P.S. I don’t necessarily think it’s a good sign that I just totally rolled my eyes at this post when I read it again.

Here’s to hoping that that the eye rolling that inevitably ensued while you read it, was kept to a reasonable minimum.

P.P.S–Animated gif’s are the greatest things ever created! Expect to see them all over this blog from now on. I can’t help myself, they make me laugh uncontrollably!! Oh, and speaking of laughing uncontrollably, watch this clip from the Ellen show, I seriously have NOT STOPPED LAUGHING! And I have literally watched it like 20 times!!

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