Proud

Well look who decided she would grace you with her bloggy presence??

Yeah, that would be me!

Where to begin? Hmm…from the beginning, I guess.

A few months ago, the thought of opening up one of these blank blog post screens and typing endlessly about me and my “life” made me want to literally vomit!! It no longer felt good to me, it felt almost wrong.

It felt wrong because since the very first post (which was almost 2 years ago), I haven’t been exactly open and honest about myself and my life.  I always claimed to “keep it real”, but I was simply too afraid to keep it all the way real.

But here it is, in black and white for everyone to read:

I am a Lesbian!

This isn’t anything new! And this isn’t me saying that I’ve been trapped in some closet of which I’m just now coming out of. Most everyone in my life (family, friends, etc.) have known this for a LONG time! I just had never been brave enough to open myself up to the ones that I felt would judge me or possibly feel sad for me. Because the last thing anyone wants is pity! But making those assumptions was my mistake, my shortcoming, my insecurity…not theirs.

You would have to understand my Mormon upbringing and background to understand why even now, with everything I’ve been through, and how many times I’ve had to “come out” to people, why it’s still hard for me to say it. You see, being Mormon is not just the religion I was raised in, it’s not just 18-years worth of my life, it’s a family legacy, the thing that unifies the extended Merino family, the reason they, and we, as their children are even in this country. It is the tie that they all share. And knowing that I would somehow come in and ruin their nicely packaged Mormon family…was always beyond scary to me! The thing that has kept me quiet the LONGEST has been knowing that people would judge my parents for who I am. I never wanted people to make assumptions about my parents or how they raised me. I never wanted either of them to have to experience anyone else’s pity.

I know some of you that read are people that I grew up with, extended family members, or people I went to school with. I always feared you wouldn’t love me or accept me anymore once you knew that truth about me. I feared that the reality of those words and its implication would be far too great to overcome and overshadow the fact that I’m really still the same girl that you’ve always known! I feared that our differences would be far too great for there to EVER be anything to connect us ever again! But most of all, I feared that your religious convictions would tell you that I wasn’t OK this way!

I carried so much internal judgement from the way I was raised and the things I was taught, that I judged myself harshly for everyone else, so I didn’t have to feel hurt if and when they rejected me because of the truth.

It was easier to smile and pretend. It was easier to have people think that I have never gotten married “just because”. It was easier to fly under the radar where no one would ever see me or know the truth if I didn’t want them to.  And…it was just easier to not know if someone already knew because I’d rather not know if they still loved me for me or if things had changed because they knew the truth.

It was easier to be respectful of everyone else’s beliefs and hopes for me then to crush them with a simple phrase.

You see…I’m a notorious people pleaser! I thrive off of people’s approval of me and my life. I care about whether you like me or accept me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell the one thing that I knew might change all that. But I never even bothered to give any of you the benefit of the doubt or enough credit! I thought that you would simply write me off as “one of them” and continue on without wanting to know who I am now.

I’m finally done with worrying about all that, it’s just not worth it!

Plus, after 2 years worth of this blog (if you’ve been here and stuck around that long), I think you have a sense of who I really am. The real me on the inside. The me who is dreamy and idealistic, sarcastic, thinks she’s funny, loves to eat, has no clue what she’s really doing, loves her family, has a big heart that is guarded beyond all belief, tries to be a good friend but fails far too often, is rebellious and moody, stresses out easily, loves magazines and buying books that she never reads, has moved twice in the last 2 years, and is attempting to open her heart to all the goodness that God has available for her.

I stopped blogging here because It just didn’t feel right anymore and I didn’t understand why until I realized that this is what it was about.

There you have it…

Me. All of me, raw and open, vulnerable and scared.

And even though the fear stopped me for so long…it didn’t today and I’m quite proud of that!

And for the record…I’m quite proud of me too!

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[P.S.-- There are many of you that already knew this about me and have loved, supported me, and stood behind me, regardless of your personal beliefs regarding the issue. You have wanted to see me for who I really am and in turn I have opened up my life and shared all of myself with you without fear or hesitation.

You (I say this with tears streaming down my face) will never in a million years...EVER,EVER understand what having this kind of friendship and support has meant to me in my life. You are the reason that I was strong enough to write these words, you are the reason that I'm no longer afraid of what others think about me or perceive me to be...you are absolutely the love that sustains me!

The words thank you will never be big enough to express what I carry in my heart for you! You mean the world to me!]

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