[Sometimes all it takes for me to be inspired to write a blog post is a single image. And that is exactly how "Inspired By" was created. These are posts who's spark was ignited by one single image. ]
[image via]
I’ve been thinking about this lately. Being who you really are is something very tricky. No matter who you are and where you are in life, there are always people you are wanting to impress and there’s always a side of you, the real you, that you know certain people won’t particularly care for.
I like to think that I’ve started to be more open…transparent, if you will, with my real personality. Before, I you would have NEVER, EVER caught me admitting to doing certain things that I do. I grew up very Mormon. I also grew up in a world shrouded in the constant worry of “what will other people think”. I was always worried to come across a certain way, especially to those I knew would look down upon those thoughts/actions. It was even worse, when I realized that being that way was quite enjoyable.
Eventually I grew tired of feeling the need to hide my real self to most people. You’ve seen me write this a thousand times, but by real self I mean…gay, feisty, selfish, potty mouth, inappropriate, an avid drinker, etc and so forth. I was raised to believe that these things are bad. I mean, ask any Mormon, they’ll tell you. I’m quite sure I tend to make the Mormons who have remained my friends quite uncomfortable. But yet, they still love/accept me with all of this, which only makes me love them MORE! They don’t let any of that get in the way of seeing the other parts of the real me that they can connect with. That very real part of me that is kind, loving, sweet, sensitive to their wants & beliefs, a good friend, and consummate giver.
I lived in Utah for over a year and I can honestly say I’ve never been more INAUTHENTIC to my real self than during that time. It had nothing to do with anyone else or the fact that I was living close to my family again. It had more to do with the belief that I was expected to act a certain way. I was raised to be proper, polite, not to ruffle feathers, to make a good impression, to want others to think I’m a “good example”. So, for the most part, I tried to do that while there. I didn’t want my brother’s friends to think his sister was a total heathen. I didn’t want them to judge him based on my words & actions.
A lot of my dad’s family lives in Utah. I have an uncle, aunts, cousins, 2nd cousins, 3rd cousins (you get the picture). This was my first time interacting with all of this family as an adult. I didn’t want to give a bad impression. I didn’t want them to think my parents raised one of “those types of kids”. I wanted them to think highly of me. And now that it’s all over I just feel bad that I didn’t give them the chance to get to know the real me. They probably would have liked her just as much!
I realize, through writing this, that I’m writing it entirely for me. I obviously still have very present issues with this which I’m trying to work through.
I think the desire to make a good first impression and want people to like me, will always exist. But it no longer dictates my every action. I’m much less concerned with what people think and far more interested in being considered authentic.
That’s what I truly want. I want someone to know that what they see/read/hear is what they get. I want someone to feel comfortable in the fact that I’m always being me.
It’s a process. I’m still evolving and growing. I’m still battling the ideas that were instilled in me and are still a part of me. I still filter A LOT and worry about how something I say will be taken.
But I’ve also learned to be kinder to myself. I’ve learned to accept me in the same way I want others to. And this y’all is big…MONUMENTAL in fact.
